My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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