very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
