It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
