Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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