If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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