I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
