I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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