I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
