for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
