dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Dicks are not precious.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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