I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
