Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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