Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize