best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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