why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
