cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
