in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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