mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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