my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
