Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
