He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
