Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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