Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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