so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize