just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
