I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
