I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
