my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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