Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize