if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
