Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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