So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
