So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
