he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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