I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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