you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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