can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
