no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My cat gives me a boner
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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