Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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