I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
