She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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