i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
