you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
