Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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