Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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