Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
