I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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