just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
