Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
it hurts more in the daytime
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
40s are totally the cure
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
