Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
