He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
