I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
