Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
home. puking in laundry basket.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
