I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
