Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
