quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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