she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
